Kiss This

my life

My life is like a roller coaster, it goes up and then it comes back down, the only exception is that I think this time, it ran off the tract when it went down.
I don't know how much I'll be posting in the next while, maybe alot and maybe not at all. I'm not sure yet how I'll be the next few days or weeks. Sitting here drives me crazy and I hurt so much that my body just starts shaking. And I don't mean I'm injured or anything, my heart is just breaking in a million little pieces and I don't know how to put it back together.
I have so many things going wrong that I'm begining to doubt everything I've ever done in my life.
Sitting here is driving me crazy and letting me think too much so I think I'll get off here and go apply for that job at McDonald's .. maybe they'll let me work hours where I can still find a place for my boys to stay while I'm at work.. God I need to live in a bigger town!

((Hugs)) till later.

Another boring week

I'm jobless yet again. It's actually been a week, but I haven't said anything because I didn't want to be too depressing.
R is still talking about leaving. I can look in his eyes and see that he doesn't want to be here anymore so I'm not going to stop him or keep asking him to stay.
My boys had 3 soccer games saturday. Oldest was a great goalie and the little one was a great fielder, he was all over the field kicking it.. needs to work on his aim a little but at least he was in there trying.
I feel extremely boring with nothing much to tell.
One of my oldest (meaning long time) and best friends came by yesterday to let me know that a girl we went to school with had passed away and her what time her visitation was. Seems she had been sick awhile.
I'm extremely upset about another situation in my life as well, but I said I would not talk about that person here, so all I'll say is..

take care of your responsibilites and quit acting like you don't have anybody to take care of except yourself. Little people need you.. big person can take care of themselves.. you got me????

Nosey Questions

D is nosey so I got this from her.

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. (Do a trackback ping thing so I know you copied it.)

I'll post answers in a separate post later.

Another one

Again, I stole this from T

Read on to see what I stole this time. LOL

--Name: Carla
--Nickname: don't really have any, R calls me baby sometimes
--Birthday/Age: July 18
--Height: 5'6"
--Weight: I am not in any way telling this one.

*DESCRIBE*
-- Your eyes: blue
-- Your weakness(es): my boys and R
-- Your fears: something happening to my boys
-- One thing you'd like to have: big house that's paid for.

WHAT IS
-- Your thoughts first waking up: oh no, not already!!!
-- The first feature you notice in the same sex: Eyes
-- Your best physical feature: My Eyes
-- Your bedtime: 11-12 pm.

YOU PREFER
-- Pepsi or coke: Pepsi
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino

DO YOU
-- Smoke: used to
-- Cuss: ummm maybe
-- Take a shower everyday: Yeah
-- Have a crush(es): Yes
-- Think you've been in love?: Yes
-- Want to go to college: Yes
-- Want to get married: Yes
-- Type with your fingers on the right keys: Yes
-- Believe in yourself: Yes
-- Get motion sickness: No.
-- Think you're attractive: Not really
-- Think you're a health freak: No
-- Get along with your parents: I don't have any parents, they did when I was little.
-- Like thunderstorms: Yep
-- Play an instrument: Trumpet and piano.

IN THE PAST MONTH DID/HAVE YOU
-- Smoke(d): Yes
-- Done a drug: No
-- Gone to the mall: Yes
-- Eaten sushi: No.
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: Not yet!!
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Dyed your hair: No.
-- Stolen anything: Nope.

HAVE YOU EVER
-- Flown on a plane: Yep
-- Missed school because it was raining: probably
-- Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yep
-- Cried during a Movie?: Yep
-- Ever thought an animated character was hot?: No
-- Had an imaginary friend: No.
-- Been on stage?: Yes, was in concert band.. many stages and also my senior play.
-- Cut your hair: Yes.
-- Had crush on a teacher?: Yes.
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing?: No.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes
-- Lead someone on?: Not that I know of.
-- Gotten beaten up: No
-- Been in a fight: Only while trying to fight off my little stalker, he was trying to kill me.
-- Shoplifted: No.

THE FUTURE
-- Age you hope to be married: Yes
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 1 Gloria
-- How do you want to die?: In my sleep
-- What do you want to be when you grow up?: grow up? you have to grow up?

OPPOSITE SEX
-- Best eye color: Any
-- Best hair color: Dark
-- Short or long hair: Short
-- Best height: Just not way shorter than me
-- Best weight: more thin than thick
-- Best first date location: Depends, I like an imagination
-- Best first kiss location: at the end of the date
-- Number of boyfriends/girlfriends you've had: do we mean long term one's here or just all?
-- Number of kisses you've given: now how am I suppose to remember that??
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: I think I'll plead the 5th on this one.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 7
-- Number of CDs that I own: maybe 20
-- Number of piercings: 4 - 2 in each ear
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: every time someone in my family passed away.. sad huh?
-- Number of scars on my body: 3, one on my left middle finger, 1 on my knee and one where I had my c section.
-- Number of things you regret: Nothing

FAVORITES
-- Shampoo: Pantene Pro V
-- Fav Color: Purple or blue
-- Day/Night: Night
-- Summer/Winter: Summer
-- Lace or Satin: Satin
-- Fav Food: Chinese
-- Fav Movies: The Replacements, any 80s.. Molly Ringwald type moive, Miss Congeniality
-- Fav Sport: Baseball
-- Wearing: jeans, blue shirt, nike tennis shoes.
-- Drinking: pepsi
-- Thinking about: its cold in my room
-- Listening to: the cars going up and down the street.

IN THE LAST 24 HRS
-- Cried: No
-- Worn jeans: Yes
-- Met someone new online: Nope
-- Done laundry: Yes
-- Drove a car: Yes
-- Talked on the phone: Yes.

FRIENDS AND LIFE
-- Do you ever wish you had another name?: Nope
-- Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: Yes
-- Do you like anyone?: Yes
-- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: None
-- Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Melanie
-- Are you close to any family member?: Yes all of them
-- Who do you hang around the most?: my sister
-- When have you cried the most: this week
-- What's the best feeling in the world?: To be loved UNCONDITIONALLY and to watch my kids being happy
-- Worst Feeling?: Being rejected and worrying about my boys

My day

I went on the job hunt yesterday, was going to many different business and employment agencies here in town to see what I could find, also was on the phone with day care places to see about getting my boys to school in the mornings. I've been offered 2 different jobs but they start at 7 am and my boys can't be at school any earlier than 7:30. And, it comes to a big whopping 60.00 a week just to drop them off at a day care in the mornings to get them to school. I can't afford that!! Not on temp jobs like I've been finding. These people fire you with the bat of an eyelash. You don't even have to do anything wrong to get let go.. the person in charge just might not like the shoes you have on or the way you wear your hair. Beats anything I've ever seen.

Anyway, I stayed pretty busy yesterday and last night me and R had a good talk. As I expected, he has alot of things going on in that head of his. For one, he's afraid that he came along too late in my life. I have tried to explain to him that unless I'm not breathing, it's never too late to meet someone and fall in love with them they way that I have him. It's never ever too late to love.. don't you all agree?? He did make me feel so much better about myself. He said that I'm always nice, always a nice person, always good to him, that he loved my smile and he said I was beautiful.. now this part really made me feel good because I do not and have never seen myself as beautiful. Cute maybe, I think I have nice eyes and nice boobs LOL, but beautfiul.. never.. not me.

but, we did have a good talk and we'll just take it one day at a time. I'm not going to have panic attacks anymore when I think he's got something on his mind and I'm not going to pester him to death asking him if he's going to stay or go. I'm just going to keep on going and not worry so much. What will be will be and that's all there is to it. I Do Not want him going anywhere, but I'm also not going to beg anybody to stay with me, it's his choice. All I can do is be me and you either accept it or move on.

Oh yes.. did I mention that I started my new job on Monday? well I got let go on Tuesday cause the girl's husband talked to me when he came in the office that afternoon.. whatever!! I've gotten to think alot this week and get some house work done and now I'm going to go through all the stuff we had in storage and the junk we have in the house and we are going to have one big humongous yard sale next weekend.

My new thing is downloading music. I think I'm addicted! Actually right now though I'm downloading other languages.. I'm determined to be fluent in more than just English :-)

Gotta go for now, I have to head to the other town and drop off my big 10 hour time card so I can get paid next week.

((Hugs)) till later

Swiped from T

1. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
yes, not telling where though LOL

2. Have you ever totalled a car?
yes, someone hit me head on and someone rear ended me another time

3. Have you ever slept rough?
you mean can't sleep? yes

4. Have you ever seen pornography that made you feel sick?
yes

5. Have you ever fired a gun?
yes, but don't like them, was being taught how and when I was young I was a good markmans in riflery hehehehe

6. Have you ever slept with a woman heavier than you?
woman??? my mom when I was little???

7. Can you draw a horse?
draw? are you kidding? I can't draw a circle LOL

8. Have you ever stared death in the face?
yes, I think that would be the Saturday I was taking the boys to meet their dad and the tire breaks off the car as we are going 80 down the interstate.. p>

Friday Five

late as always, I didn't see it posted on Friday.. linkage to the right.

1. What do you do for a living?
Office Manager

2. What do you like most about your job?
Don't know, just starting today

3. What do you like least about your job?
working at all :-)

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
I have to deal with some idiot or when I do something as instructed and then am told that's not what they said..

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
computer graphics and networking or having my own business.

MT and other stuff

I think I need to reinstall or upgrade MT, I am not pinging and my MT logo at the top left corner is some times there and some times not.

Other stuff.. Easter went ok.. we did nothing special because it rained all day and has been raining since Saturday and still is raining. We were going to go to an egg hunt on saturday but didn't because of the rain, we didn't even make it to soccer practice, which looks like we'll miss again tonight.

My kitchen roof is leaking, my brother said he would come and look at it and see if the entire roof needs to be replaced or just a section of the shingles.

I'm suppose to call the mechanics today to come and get R's car and get it fixed.. this mechanic said they can fix it for less than 200.00 so I hope he wasn't giving me a line of bull.

I don't know if I want to call or not because I know when the car is fixed that R is going to leave. I thought we were happy.. but apparently I was wrong because I was blind sided by the fact that he don't want to be here anymore. I don't know if he means it or if he's playing games with me to see how much I love him and how bad I'll break down when he tells me this. .. which I did.. I had a major over load of a break down last night. I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and the pain just wouldn't stop. I have never cried so hard in my life and I couldn't control it and I couldn't stop.
When he saw my reaction, he put his arms around me, pulling me over to him and just held me. He kept trying to get me to stop crying and I couldn't. He told me he wasn't going to leave today like he said last night.. he said we'd talk about it this weekend.. so that gives his car time to be fixed and then I'm sure he's out of here. That's just my opinion, but right now I'm not thinking very clearly, I feel like my world has been ripped apart and it's never going to be the same again.
He took alot of his clothes out last night and ironed them all putting them in neat little piles on the dresser, instead of back on the hangers or in the drawers. I have so many different feelings right now that I'm not sure which one's are going to surface next.
He said I can't have any more kids and he wants kids.. well I can have kids if I go to a doctor.. I had my tubes tied I wasn't sterilized.. there's a big difference... I didn't want any more kids with my son's dad.. so I took care of that. And Yes, it would be a huge decision to make if I did that and it would require some sort of medical procedures, but I was willing to go through all that with him. He also said that I didn't want to go to Mexico.. I never said that, what I said was, I wasn't sure how I felt about it because I've never been past Mississippi! It would be something that I would have to experience and decide upon.
I better quit writing now because now I'm getting the fuck it attitude and I don't need to go into my first day of work like this.. I'm going to find something productive to do that will keep my mind of this so I can work this afternoon.. oh yea.. did I tell you that I start a new job today? Damn fine way to start a new job dontcha think?

((hugs)) till later..

I'm not pinging

I am not showing up as updated when I post.. how come I'm not pinging?????

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all and Happy Sunday and Happy April :-)

Gave away all the kittens, even Salty, Simon and one of the two that my sister brought over that was dumped at her farm.. we are keeping Smokey, who stays outside and one that my sister brought, she's gonna stay outside too.

Unconscious Mutterings

Linkage over to the right -->

Boxing - Foreman
Lewis - Ford
Bodyguard - movie
Burnout - tired
Cruising - streets
Easter - bunny
AA - beer
Research - engineers
Redemption - repent
Snickers - bar

How Happy Are You Quiz

Quiz

You have a Happiness score of 11

With a score of 11, you are obviously a happy person.Maybe, you could share your happiness with those around you, it could be as simple as smiling at a stranger or asking a friend out for dinner.

23 Silly Questions

Swiped from T who swiped from someone else and so on and so on :-)

: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
assortment may vary ( LOL Oriental Trading catalog )

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
the corner of my computer desk :-) it fits in the corner of the room so it sticks out to my left

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Was watching Ellen before I came back here to the computer

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
10:30

5: Now look at the clock; what is the actual time?
10:34

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
birds chirping outside and cars going down the street

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
about 30 minutes ago, I went to work and then came back home

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
T's blog

9: What are you wearing?
jeans, Ruben's Nike shirt and my nike tennis shoes

10: Did you dream last night?
yes, dreamed I was having twins LOL

11: When did you last laugh?
this morning at Ruben

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
many pictures, a shelf with many pictures and beanie babies and a calendar

13: Seen anything weird lately?
do weird people count?

14: What do you think of this quiz?
It's ok, different

15: What is the last film you saw?
something Ruben and his cousin were watching, I don't remember the name but it had Jean Claude Van damn in it

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
car, then house.. would have to look awhile for the house though, so car would be very first. ... cause we got 2 old junkie cars!!!!

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have a birth defect in my back.. a form of spinal bifoda.. never knew about it till I was 21 years old.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
People being racists of other people for any reason.. I would put an end to that. Doesn't matter where you came from or what kind of people you like.. we are all the same.

19: Do you like to dance?
Yep, love to dance

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
hmmmm.. I think I'll skip answering this question.. cause I'm not so sure yet.

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
I got boys, so if I ever had another child.. especially with the person that I am with name, her name would be Gloria after his sister that died when he was younger.

22: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
My first boy I named Joshua Garrett so :-) but.... if I didn't have any or had more, would name him Ryan.

23: Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes, I would especially right now in my life

I have an interview

Tomorrow I have an interview and a few other appointments, then I go back to my temp job on Friday.

I took down my missing kids section. I put this section up in the hopes of helping find missing kids and helping .. thought my site would be useful.. then this week I get a letter from some guy saying he was a private investigator and told me that because of ME and MY SITE.. it was capitalized like that too.. that an 18 year old boy that they found.. won't come home because he saw his poster still listed on my site.. so instead of being of help, I hendered a reunion.. so the heck with it, I took it all down and I'm not putting it back up.

Gotta go, bed time.. had 4 people come up today to look at the remaining cats.. no luck yet.

STill working

I'm still at the same job.. very glad to have some more days, I really need the pay check .. as most of us do.

Gave away all the kittens this past weekend and also gave aways my old cat Simon and hopefully will have the momma cat gone this week. My sister dumped 2 more cats on me.. one might be gone this week and the other we are going to get spayed and keep her cause she's extra friendly and likes to play... so the boys like her alot.

I'm gonna take down the links of the kittens so I don't get sad about them leaving, they were driving me nuts but they were cute as ever.

Going to bed for now.. yes, I know I'm boring here lately LOL We had soccer practice last night as soon as I got off work and we got home at 8 and tonight I had to call all the parents in my son's class for a party they are having this week. I'm the room mom so I get to do all this fun stuff :-)

R is practicing music tonight, they are practicing alot since they are going to be playing at the Civic Center in May.

((Hugs)) till later

I'm getting comment spam

As long as I've been here with my blog.. all of a sudden I'm getting spammed in my comments.. Jerks

They asked me to come back again at work so I gotta go for now.. see if I get spammed again today..

Gave away another kitten last night.. my favorite *sniff sniff* The grey boy.. he was the sweetest thing!!! And now we have two and Salty and Simon.. which one girl last night said she might come back after Simon.. my old cat, cause she wants a cat that likes to lay around all day LOL They all have to go, maybe one can stay but no more.. and we have Smokey outside.. that's enough .. my son's favorite is still here and the one R picks up and looks at.. and believe me I was shocked when he picked up one of the kittens!!! They like the black one with the white feet.

anyway ((Hugs)) till later