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 Stuff You Should Know
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Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
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There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
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Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
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The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires
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Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
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Families are like fudge.... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
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Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
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Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
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The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
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One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
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If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
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Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
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Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day!
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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I intend to live forever - so far, so good
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I drive way to fast to worry about cholesterol
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
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Eagles may sore, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
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I almost had a pyschic boyfriend but he left me before we met
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegle in 37 states
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Quantum Mechanics - The dreams stuff is made of
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Support Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
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The only subsitute for good manners is fast reflexes
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When everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
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If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
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24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
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Many people quit looking for work when they get a job
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
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Why do pyschics have to ask you your name?
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Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
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For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain
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Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
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Black holes are where God divided by zero
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
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