THE FOLLOWING APPLYS
TO FULL-TIME AS WELL AS PART-TIME EMPLOYEES:
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you
are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider
removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes
a breach of employment.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided
your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an approved
excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it
is your duty to train your replacement.
Rest Room Use: Entirely too much time is being spent
in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names
begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go
at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time
with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Paycheck Guide: The following guide has been prepared
to help our employees better understand their paychecks.
Example: Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don'ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01
Net Pay $0.12
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed
elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Employee Benefits 
