I've been a good
mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand,
visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty two cases
of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground
and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my son's boy scout vest
with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you
could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write
this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the
laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free
time in the next eighteen years.
Here are my Christmas
wishes:
I'd like a pair
of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze,
but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.
I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical
side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental
confidence, along with two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans
that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use
a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just
out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dopey
dog.
And please don't
forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year.
It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any
carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine. If it's too late
to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my
teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food
warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten
the holiday season.
Would it be too
much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
immensely. It would also be helpful if you could coerce my children to
help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses
of an organized crime family; or if my oldest didn't look so cute sneaking
downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the
buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry
room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember
to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the
fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but
don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always
Mom
P.S. One more thing
... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough
to believe in you.
This was sent
through the Net Sisters mailing list by Dizzie :-) Thanks Dizzie!!
Dear
Santa, 
