This is long but
very amusing; an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The bank thought
it amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to
thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber
last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been
in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No
more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,attitudes
and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and
I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be
advised about the following:
First, I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and
loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.You will be aware
that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status,
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the
Peace,and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation, income,debts,assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I
will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in
all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required
to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like> yours. My Authorised Contact
at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may
call me at any time and will be answered by an automatedvoice. By pressing
Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of
menus:
1. To make an appointment
to see me.
2. To query a missing
repayment.
3. To make a general
complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the
call to my living room in case I am there; extension of living room to
be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the
call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; extension of bedroom to be communicated
at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the
call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; extension of toilet
to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the
call to my mobile phone in case I am not home.
8. To leave a message
on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to
the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
The contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best
Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are
made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with
silver That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes
of that, our mutual contact will probably know it all by heart.
On a more serious
note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out,
the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost-- a cost that
you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness
by passing some costs back.
First,
there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read
for a fee of $20/page. Enquires from your nominated contact will be billed
at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account,
as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque,
will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute
(even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to
keep your enquires brief and to the point. R
egrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your humble client,
xxxxx.
This was sent
through the Divine Diva mailing list by Dreamer :-) Thanks!!
Dear
Bank, 
