- Adjust the tint
on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that
you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available
surface.
- Staple papers in the middle
of the page.
- Ask "800" operators for
dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting
entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector
strips into people's backpacks.
- Specify that your drive-through
order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have
conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip
Bip Beeeep Bip...
- Order a side of pork rinds
with your filet mignon.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails
tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes
before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating
to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Rouse your roommates from
slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- Buy a large quantity of
orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with
pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all
your clothes.
- Light road flares on a birthday
cake.
- Wander around the restaurant,
asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address
you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces
together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one
dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas carolling,
sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent
One".
- As much as possible, skip
rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder,
mumbling, as they read.
- Leave your turn signal on
for fifty miles.
- Pretend your mouse is a
CB radio, and talk to it.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they
exist only in your imagination.
- Lick the filling out of
all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Follow a few paces behind
someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- Deliberately hum songs that
will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. ("Copacabana" is also useful
for this.)
- While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial
things such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when
a large person backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights
up and lit until September.
- Sit in your front yard pointing
a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Invent nonsense computer
jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance
of ignorance.
- Ask to "interface" with
someone.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
- Ask the waitress for an
extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
- Ask your co-workers mysterious
questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook... something about
"psychological profiles."
- Incessantly recite annoying
phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." or "fuzzy wuzzy was a
bear" - Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
- Resend humourous e-mail
messages to the person who sends them to you.
- Leave all headers and footnotes
on forwarded jokes.
How
to be Annoying
